“If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?” -Psalm 130.3
When I sin, the knowledge that my sin would remove me from God’s presence destroys me. There is a desire, enticed by temptation, which makes me want to sin. But beyond that there is a longing to follow after God in all his commandments.
My flesh and my spirit war within me. Whenever my spirit, under the law of grace, gains an advance, the flesh is quick to launch a counter-offensive. In the moment I feel closest to God, it is then I’m most vulnerable. My flesh abhors the peace my spirit has in this communion.
And O how weak am I! To the slightest charge of the flesh my defenses buckle. I feel content, uncontested, when I draw near to God. And then, in arrogance, I give a little ground. Then some more. Then more again. Until finally I find myself back inside the barricades of the flesh.
God I thank you for your mercy. I thank you that you do not mark my iniquities. That in your eyes I am justified and glorified, though here I am not yet perfect. I’m sorry for how I fail you, how I do not flee when you’ve said to flee, how I do not put off what you’ve said to put off. Lord, draw me close to you. Lift me out of the sinful lusts of my flesh.
You are glorious, merciful, and to be feared. And I, though wretched and worthy of death, am the most blessed of men that Christ gave his life in my place.