(This is the third in a series of posts detailing my testimony as I trace the faithfulness of God from my birth until the present day)
“What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.” -Luke 15:4-7
“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day.” -John 6:44
I left off last time at what could easily be marked as the turning point for my whole life. Running from my most recent fight with my mom and step dad, I headed up to the neighborhood park. As I approached the small pool that has since been closed down, a girl I had not talked to since kindergarten turned and greeted me. For 9 years we had lived only about a quarter mile from each other and yet it was not until this day that we had actually interacted, but with her dried off and wrapped in a towel and me now walking my bike alongside us, we talked. And as we talked we moved towards her house, a house with no parents there. At this point I had a choice to make: go in or go home? Of course I went in.
The consequences of this choice still ring in my life. As that night wore on we kissed and began fooling around, exploring areas I had only imagined or seen on my computer. I was completely lost in all that was going on until, at 10:30 that night, there was a knock on the door. It was my parents, angry at me for staying out, angrier at me for being in this house alone with a girl. And so I went home, but not until after the seed had been planted for my rapid self-destruction.
A week later I lost my virginity. Aided by her father’s late night work shift and my parents early morning departure, I began sneaking out of the house at 4am and meeting up with her. Then, I had a brilliant idea, and worked a plan which tricked both my parents and allowed me to spend the night at my girlfriends house. Amazed at how well it worked I tried it again the next week. This time however I was caught and ended up being escorted home in the back of a police car.
Then, one month to the day after I met the girl, my mother decided she’d had enough and sent me to live with my dad. This wasn’t much better though, as the deceit and sneaking around and debauchery continued, and again, exactly three months later, things exploded at my dad’s and I was out of a home once more. This time I wound up at my grandparents.
My grandparents, my Nana and Papaw, are certainly one of the greatest blessings God has ever given me. My Papaw, though at that point paralyzed from the waist down, was the strong patriarch of our family, and certainly the man who has influenced me most in my life. My Nana was the diligent caretaker of both my Papaw and of me. Together they took me in and cared for me with the patience which my parents had been unable to muster. Of course, this patience did not immediately pay off as I continued my exploits, my lying and doing whatever I wanted along with my girlfriend. There were even a couple of nights that I spent sleeping on my backpack under the park shelter because my grandmother had locked me out for coming home too late. But in all, my grandparents exercised the love which eventually helped me to get out of this situation with any semblance of a life left.
Over that time I had let everything else in my life fall apart. Besides the strain with my parents I had also quit band and had barely put forth any effort in wrestling. My grades were struggling, the first and only time in my life where I carried below a B average. And worst of all, my anger was at all-time highs. At one point, following a big argument with my parents the night before, I got into an argument with my dad at a wrestling meet and just lost it. Enraged and cussing, I went into the locker room of the gym and began smashing things. Lockers, trashcans, doors. Eventually I calmed down, but in the aftermath of this event I had to began seeking professional counseling and went months without speaking to either of my parents.
Then, in March of 2000, God started doing something. Some way, I still do not quite remember how, my girlfriend got invited to church by one of my classmates (her and I did not attend the same school) and she decided to go. Afterwards she wanted to return. So she did, and I went along. Our lives didn’t change at that point, we did not quit doing anything that we were doing, but for some reason we began going to this church regularly. Over time, I felt something. Distance grew between my girlfriend and me, I got involved with coaching little league and going to youth group. I would go out roller blading around town alone. And during that time alone I could feel him calling, pulling me away from everything that I had thrown myself into, and drawing me into the light.
Finally, on July 3rd, 2000, I met my girlfriend in the park and told her it was over. I turned my back on all that we had been doing and ran. She fought and the temptation was there, but God provided the strength I needed to be firm and I was able to disconnect myself completely from that life. I could no longer have that girl in my life or be involved in the lifestyle we had led. Everything was different now because God had brought me back to him.
I kept going to that church (she didn’t any longer after we broke up) and I became active in youth leadership and experienced God more deeply than I ever had before. I got back into marching band and I rededicated myself to being in shape for wrestling. I built back my old friendships which I had torn down over the previous year. I wasn’t perfect, I still struggled with lust and pornography and with pride, but one of the biggest demons in my life, my anger, was now under control better than it had been in many years. My tongue was restrained and graciously I began to reconcile with my family.
I did not realize how important these quick turnarounds would be until one night in December, 5 months removed from walking away from my girlfriend and the life I lived associated with her, her father appeared at our front door with news that she was pregnant. Though this was a major announcement, taking it in stride with the renewed focus and strength which God had granted me, I was resolved and had faith that in his hands everything would be alright.
