(This is the second in a series of posts detailing my testimony as I trace the faithfulness of God from my birth until the present day)
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.” -James 1:19-21
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” -1 Corinthians 6:18
Returning home from church camp, it was now time for me to begin living out my newfound Christian life. I began reading my Bible and attempting to attend church as often as possible (usually by going with our neighbor, though later on with my dad on his appointed weekends). Still, while being wrapped in the environment of my parent’s divorce, their new dating relationships, and my own stubborn attempts to be the grown-up, I failed miserably at sanctification. Instead, I started getting into fights at school, being aggressive then violent then weeping all with a hare trigger between them. I secluded myself in my room all evening, watching TV and despising my parents (my dad in particular). It even got to the point one day where after upsetting a school friend of mine, riddled with the guilt of that failure piled on top of all the other stresses in my life, I openly expressed that I felt it would be better if I were just dead. Though this was a low point it wasn’t a turning point, just a first step onto a plateau in a valley.
Over the next several years it was emotionally much the same as the physical world around me changed drastically again. Both of my parents remarried soon after their divorce was finalized. My father was still largely absent, though now it was from the Tuesday night visitations and the every other weekend pickups. And when he was there I spent many hours lashing out against him and berating him for not having been there before. I rejected him and the new life he had with my step mom and step brother, and I let my anger boil over frequently with little or no provocation. Meanwhile, at my mother’s house, a constant battle rolled on through the years over my step dad’s alcohol use and the secrets which both he and my mom kept, causing much tension and turmoil for me as I often, sometimes willingly, sometimes not, became involved in the conflict myself. For years I dreaded arriving home from school, unsure of what mood I would find my mom in and what type of fights would be had that day.
It was during this time that I began getting into something which would play a large role in my stumblings for many years to follow: sex. My slow descent began with magazines, videos and internet porn which I indulged myself in prior to being involved in any relationships which actually led to these ends themselves. I would spend hours in front of the computer on weekends at my dad’s house, and quickly allowed my ideas of acceptable thoughts and behavior to fly wide open as it pertained to sexual wants. This gross sinful behavior lay underneath a lot of my personal struggles for nearly a decade to come.
Also during this time though, God started revealing himself in my life more and more. He situated Christian friends around me at the right times who were able to offer a shoulder and an ear when I needed to let things out. He showed me the wonders of being able to witness to someone and see that witness used towards bringing them into a saving relationship. He constantly stayed with me, and even though my obedience was often lacking and my emotions were often extreme, there was never a time where I felt that his presence had left me. Through all of the trials I never felt any hiccups in my faith that God was there, though I didn’t always come to him as much as I should have. He truly was faithful.
When I was 13 I began high school and my family and social situations started to change. Throughout middle school I had been moderately involved in activities such as youth group, band, and baseball, but there had never really been anything that got me out of the house for any great deal of time. In high school however, I found a number of ways to escape the frustrations which I had encountered for so long at home. Even before school began I was involved in marching band, an activity which ate up half of every weekday evening, as well as a number of weekends during the fall. In this I started developing friendships with older band members, ones that had cars, and would often find ways to stay out with them instead of coming home. I never engaged in anything immoral or even questionable, I just sat around, talking and wasting time, avoiding the one place I surely did not want to be. This newfound freedom, though liberating for me, was infuriating to my mother. In its wake, lectures began about being home with my family and doing things around the house. All of this fell on deaf ears though, as I was invigorated by the life which I was developing outside of my mom’s four walls.
Following marching band there was wrestling team, and then after that I got involved with Campus Life. However, eventually summer rolled around and I was stuck back at home again. What’s more, the already long standing tensions had raised even higher as my step dad’s drinking issues and substance abuse were openly acknowledged following a DUI arrest during the spring of that year. Using my newly awakened freedoms as well as this sore spot as a foothold, I fought hard against my mom and step dad all through the summer.
Then, one evening, July 15th, 1999 to be exact, my life took its sharpest downward turn yet. Heading out to blow off steam after the latest argument at my house, I was riding my bike through the neighborhood, when I came across a girl I had vaguely known from way back in kindergarten. We began talking and as one thing leads to another, by the end of the night I found myself stepping into the reality of many of the sinful fantasies I had waded in mentally for years.
Posted by Todd Burus 
